Sunday, December 21, 2014

Profiles In Tweepage #2: @BarbEvilGenius!

Peetey Interviews Barb the Evil Genius!

Many years ago there was a CBS TV show called "Everybody Has a Story."  It was a good show because it was authentic. The premise was that Steve Hartman would throw a dart at the map, go to the nearest town, and then choose a person at random from the phone book and interview them.

Profiles in Tweepage is exactly like that, except for the dart throwing... Or the white pages... Or the randomness.

I challenge Tweeps I like to let me interview them.  So far the only Tweep to step up to the @PeeteySDee inquisition challenge was "Barb The Evil Genius" from Ohio.  When not making babies, crying over the Cleveland Browns (The Mistake by the Lake), and plotting revenge upon Progressives, Barb spends hours digging herself out of Twitter Gulag for the inflammatory hate she spews against Twitter trolls.

Barb simply claims she is "Trying to balance being an evil genius with being a wife and mother," but we know that is not true.  BEHOLD! What follows is the 100% awful near-truth (caveat: some "creative word play" may have been employed)...

Barb:  Evil, and a genius. Run, you fools!
@PeeteySDee: So, Evil One, how did you come by your Twitter handle?

@BarbEvilGenius: About ten years ago I took an online quiz, and here is the result: 

"Barb, You are an SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an "Evil Genius." 
You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.

Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.

You are not to be messed with. You may explode."

@PeeteySDee: Wow. Kinda like Zoltar from the movie Big, huh?
Zoltar; He'll make you his huckleberry.

@BarbEvilGenius: No, not at all, but scarily enough, a lot of this actually fits me, and so when I created my blog (http://barbtheevilgenius.blogspot.com), I decided to call myself Barb the Evil Genius. I've used it ever since when I've branched out to places like Twitter.

@PeeteySDee:  Scary indeed!  Well, Barb, I looked into this quiz which deemed you "Evil" and I'm sorry to report that it no longer exists. 

Fortunately, through the magic of Al Gore's Amazing Internet, I took the test and it said this about me:



Peetey, you are a WEDB--Wacky Emotional Destructive Bad-Ass. This makes you a "Menace to Society."



You telepathically gang #FartRape both women and men. You pick your friends' noses and then wipe your friends under the table with your addictive personality. 

Properly guided, you can be enormously productive--otherwise you run amok, stir up trouble, and generally have a hell of a good time.


Unpropery guided--to quote Kim Jong Un--you can be enormousry productive--you'll run amok, stir up trouble, and generarly have a hell of a good time.

To your friends, you are a source of relentless entertainment. You often get into trouble, but you almost always find a way out due to your incredible Jedi-like charisma.  You are strangely popular and feed off others' energy, turning them into withered, dry husks.  

You live hard, always seizing the cliche, and although your boring, stupid loser friends would like to see you settle down, you generally have better regrets and better orgasms than they do.  

Your tenet is, that, at the end of the day, one regrets only what one did which caused permanent brain damage to one.  You are right.  You are always right, and sexy. You are always sexy.

You could benefit from nothing, as you are perfect."

But enough of me.  

So, why did you start Tweeting in the first place?

@BarbEvilGenius: Reading about others' Twitter experiences seemed like a lot of fun.

@PeeteySDee: Wow. Do you regret being so wrong?

@BarbEvilGenius: Yes, I do regret Twitter isn't as fun as I hoped it would be.  But now I just do it to satisfy my Twitter addiction, and almost exclusively following your Tweets every day makes the regret less painful.

@PeeteySDee:  I think that's good advice.  What significance does your twitter avi hold?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Mr. BTEG is an AFOL (adult fan of LEGO), and his avi many places is a representation of him as a LEGO figure.

@PeeteySDee: I don't know what any of that acronym crap means, but what drew me to you was the sensuality in your AVI.  It's hot for a Lego chick. I mean, I'd snap that Lego piece onto another Lego piece and take them for a ride, IYKWIM and IKTYD.

You're a Twitter tease, Barb, and you know it.

Ever tease, tase, or kill anyone while in Twitter Gulag?

@BarbEvilGenius: No, I have not had that distinction.  Why yes, now that you mention it, I have killed several people in the Twitter Gulag.

@PeeteySDee: Shhh!  Don't ruin your rep. I'll just edit that part out. Well played. I'm sure it's because you're an Evil Genius that you have managed to elude the authorities.

How do you handle Twitter Trolls?

@BarbEvilGenius: Oddly enough, dealing with strict facts and figures seems to make some of them run away. Others, that I've seen on Twitter for months behaving like idiots with other Tweeps, I just treat like idiots. Comments about living in mom's basement always go over well.

The others, well, we'll not talk about the others.

@PeeteySDee:  Do you know how I handle Twitter Trolls?

@BarbEvilGenius: Yes, I've seen you in action. It's not for the faint of heart.  But it's not my style. To each genius his or her own.

@PeeteySDee:  Other than me, who are your favorite Tweeps?

@BarbEvilGenius: Coming in waaaaaay behind you, all tied for second, are @pupbroofdog, @GingyNorth, @moderncomments, @EmpireOfJeff, @moxiemom, and @Loki_Lego

@PeeteySDee:  Other than me, what's the funniest thing you've ever seen on Twitter?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I wish I could remember. Probably something from Iowahawk.

@PeeteySDee: Ugh. David Burge. What a loser. I guess he lucks out once in a while.
Did you see where he slandered an American hero?
I love IowaHawk, too; he's literally the only funny person in Iowa other than @SiftyBoones and it was an honest mistake.  I'm sure he didn't ID everyone in the photo.  That's the trap with using vulgarity on a broad brush.

GEN Raymond Odierno is a higher standard we need to emulate; He appeared on The Colbert Show to promote the Army.

Speaking of higher standards, what's one thing people might be surprised to know about you?

@BarbEvilGenius:  The kind of music I listen to. I like pop and 80's rock, but I also like ska, alternative, electric, hard rock, metal, and even a bit of what my daughter calls screamo

Of course, I really enjoy Peetey S. Dee and the Inhuman $hields, and can't wait for your next song to come out!

@PeeteySDee: I'm blushing, stop. 

OK, go on if you must.

OK... No? 

You're done gushing?

OK, cool. Cool.

I'll be sure to tell the Inhuman $hields that Barb the Evil Genius is a fan.  We are working on a new song, laying the drum tracks now, specifically to help raise public awareness of the pain PTSD causes service members who have it, which is the reason we came together as a band.  It takes a long time for us to get together to jam because we have professional lives outside of music, thank God.

But screamo, huh?  You know one thing that could improve screamo?  It would be less screaming--or actually, no screaming at all.  

By the way, this screamo Katy Perry cover is very good, except I can't stop laughing at the excessive and inappropriate screaming, although there is some appropriate screaming.  For what it's worth, I think screamo would be excellent if it did nothing but parody.



So, Barb, you Evil thing you, if you could witness any event past, present, or future, what would it be?

@BarbEvilGenius:  As a Christian, the resurrection of Christ. From a secular point of view, no idea. Many of the more interesting events in light of history that I can think of were tragedies.

@PeeteySDee:  I tell you what, Barb, of all things I'd like to see--speaking as one who is an open minded atheist/agnostic--the Resurrection of Christ is probably #1 for me as well. 

Christianity hangs on that one event!  I want him to be real.

Easter is clearly the most important Christian holiday, so of course, let's celebrate the King of Kings' Resurrection by hiding candy in plastic eggs around the yard for kids to find.

What we should be doing instead, is trying to raise our dead houseplants and house pets, which died over the winter from benevolent neglect.

Imagine if we could witness Mohammed isolated 270m in a cave up in the stony mountains near Mecca, receiving his fevered visions from Gabriel the arch-angel?

What would it look like?
Mohammed's crappy little cave in Hira


Mohammed, spelunking in Hira.

@BarbEvilGenius: I have no idea, Peetey, but I suppose a black and white figure of caver.

@PeeteySDee:  Barb, that was actually a rhetorical question. This isn't NPR, where all questions need considered.

But what a crap cave.  Why the hell did he go in there for, anyway?  What was he thinking?

"Hey, here's a crappy little cave, perfect for receiving visions from an Archangel!"

I think instead, he went in there to take a dump, slipped on it, and hit his head.  But honestly, how would I know, since I wasn't there--but I wouldn't be surprised if you could buy faux-Mohammed coprolites in Mecca.

And what do you think the Yazidi's think about as Islamic radicals slaughter them?  Those Kurds were stuck on Mount Sinjar for five months.

Isn't it fantastic America has progressed past the point of defending obviously innocent humans?

Preventable genocide aside, if you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?

@BarbEvilGenius: That's tricky. A cat probably, as long as I was treated as well as my family treats our cats.

@PeeteySDee:  Then you'd love living at the Dee house!  It sucks for us humans, but the cats have it real good. We're even thinking about getting a Maine Coon soon, named "Joon, the Dee's Maine Coon."

All of our animals get to lick nutty butterish substances from various places on our skin.  It's a win-win-win, although perhaps not so much for the peanut butter.  Our pets also enjoy the chance to experience music and poetry we play and recite during the delightful event.
We're still looking at improving that rhyme, but speaking of tunes, what songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?

@BarbEvilGenius: Here are six I would like on my life's mixtape.
  1. I Know That My Redeemer Lives (Peetey note: excellent piano forte and vocals, needs some screamo.)
  2. Lord, Dismiss Us with Thy Blessing (Peetey note: Sigh. So beautiful. Progressives take note, the Christian hate is strong in this song.)
  3. The Coloring Song by Petra (Peetey note: This is bad-ass little tune, sung by a hobbit, I think.  I could convert  to Christianity based on this song, because it sounds so much like the violent songs of Ireland's independence, like North Sea Gas' Hawks and Eagles, a song I definitely want for my own life story soundtrack. It should be the #TeaParty theme; I mean it's even better than this Tea Party Anthem from @PeeteySDee and the Inhuman$hields)
  4. Sand Dollar by Stavesacre. (Peetey note: A little metally, not bad at all.)
  5. Blues Clues (Peetey note: you're sick Barb)
  6. Soul, Adorn Thyself with Gladness (TRIGGER WARNING for sexy singing Mennonites) 
@PeeteySDee:  You know, you might think that I, as a gifted musician and polymath genius, would have a complex sound track to my life, as do you. But no, that's not the case at all!  There is only one song Peetey Dee needs for his life's soundtrack, and that is "Captain Feathersword," by the Wiggles.


But, seriously, Peetey also really likes Mandinka by Sinead O'Connor, this version live on the David Letterman show.  She looks so hot and tiny and Irish and angry.

And, no serious PeeteySDee Lifetime Channel movie soundtrack would be incomplete without Gary Numan's "Cars," here performed live with Nine Inch Nails in London.


@PeeteySDee: What do you like on your pizza?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Mozzarella and occasionally pepperoni 

@PeeteySDee:  Whoa. Slow down, Barb. You just blew my mind with your craziness.  

Pepperoni on pizza, with CHEESE?!  


By the way, I hear evil geniuses have weird taste in food. Do you think your lack of taste in pizza might actually be a contrarian taste in food, indicating a good taste in food?

@BarbEvilGenius: Yes. Yes, I do, thanks Peetey, for noticing! I think you're SO right!

<Sending penis-shriveling mindwaves at Peetey, who is making me very, very angry right now!>  

<Now sending mindwave commands to my harpy army, which includes The Handsome Sally Kohn(TM) and Sinead O'Connor.


"HARPIES!  COME TO ME NOW!  ATTACK!">

@PeeteySDee:  I feel a little strange all of a sudden, Barb, so let's move on to the next question... who would you most like to meet and share a fine dinner and evening with, other than me, of course?

@BarbEvilGenius:  C.S. Lewis. He's extremely intelligent, a great storyteller. 

@PeeteySDee: A better story teller than Barack Obama, our first gay President?

@BarbEvilGenius: Uh, no. No one is that good.

@PeeteySDee:  When you say "C.S. Lewis," do you mean the Irish dude who died the same day as John F. Kennedy and who was best friends with JRR Tolkein?

@BarbEvilGenius: <looks at Peetey, askance, but somewhat suggestively, at his amazing Wiki knowledge>

@PeeteySDee:  You may not know this about Clive Staples Lewis, but he wrote "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe", which was about Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, and Michelle Obama.

Speaking of bucket lists, what's at the top of yours?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Traveling to some of the places where Mr. BTEG's and my ancestors came from, and visiting some of the places outside the U.S. where Mr. BTEG and I have distant relatives.

@PeeteySDee: Which is?

@BarbEvilGenius: The Flats.

@PeeteySDee: Oh, the Flats in Cleveland, the first place in America where Cuba's Castro brothers have always wanted to visit, outside of the UN, should relations between US and Cuba ever become normalized--as if that's ever likely.

But, we know that's never going to happen while the Castro brothers are alive.  

And speaking of crazy Progressive fantasies, if you could live in any TV show or movie, which would it be and why?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I guess the Narnia movies. I always wanted to live in Narnia when I was a kid.

@PeeteySDee:  Well, that's stupid. I wont even bother to elaborate.

But, if you could call yourself five years ago, what would you say?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Things will get better, and don't trust the people you're currently renting from.

@PeeteySDee:  Well, that's stupid and I wont even bother to give you a chance to elaborate.

<closes microphone: Barb, should you ever want to poison your landords, I know some Mensans who would do it for free.>

So, I'll just move on.

What is your first memory?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I think it's going to my school and testing my kindergarten readiness. I also remember some circus trips. Don't know if they were before kindergarten.

@PeeteySDee: Oh. Well, most of my first memories involved physical pain.  Since your's don't, I feel sorry for you.

That said, we're both luckier than most rich Progressive kids, though, because they are forced to take voice lessons.

These one percenters are obviously Progressives, but how would you describe your own political philosophy?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Smallest government possible. 

Feds should get out of a lot of what they are doing now. 

Individual lives can't and shouldn't be controlled, but we do need functional, intact two-parent families for the future. 

I don't think a baby bust like Japan and Russia are facing is healthy for a country.

@PeeteySDee:  Whoa! 

Whoawhoa!

Whoawowowowowhoa!

I just want the NSA to know I'm not at all condoning what this radical Evil Barb is spewing. I have no control over her mouth or mind.

Your general insanity aside, what is your ideal POTUS ticket for 2016 and why?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Cruz/Gowdy, at the moment. Because both of them are articulate, conservative, and aren't afraid to piss people off.

@PeeteySDee:  Interesting. Never heard of them. That Jeb Bush, though!  I think he could lose a lot more honorably to a Clinton, Warren, or Webb ticket than Romney, McCain, or Dole ever dreamed of.

Have you considered Radagast the Brown?  I was so convinced he is the real deal I became his campaign manager for 2016.  We've got a large following and great name recognition.

Radagast has more combat experience than Ghengis John Kerry, and every single other Democrat candidate for that matter, unless Warren claims she killed Custer at Little Bighorn.
@PeeteySDee: And speaking of Little Bighorn, what is your favorite firearm?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I don't have as much firearms experience as I'd like. It's a combination of lack of money, lack of a nearby range, and the fact that I'm bipolar. Be assured that I am only a danger to myself with a firearm. I did have a Bersa .380 that fit well in my hand, but it jammed quite a bit.

@PeeteySDee: And finally, everyone has an interesting story. What is yours?


@BarbEvilGenius: Many of my interesting stories take place when I was visiting Germany and Austria in college. The future Mr. BTEG was also on the trip. We were in Berlin in December of '89, so one night Mr. BTEG and I went over to the Berlin wall and took some chips out of it. It was dark where we were, and there was no one else around. We saw some memorials to those who had lost their lives there, and basically it was just Mr. BTEG, myself, and the Berlin Wall.
Barb, being evil at The Berlin Wall, December 1989.
Also in Berlin, I had some fun linguistic experiences as a student of both Spanish and German. Mr. BTEG and I visited a Spanish restaurant one evening, and the menu was printed in Spanish and German. I ordered my food in German, and the next thing I knew, the waiter and I were talking this weird mix of both languages. Whereas poor Mr. BTEG was completely bewildered, since he spoke no Spanish and was a second semester German student. However, I think the waiter enjoyed speaking Spanish. There were many Spaniards there because they could get work.

Also, Peetey, one time, at band camp, we picked up an illegal migrant worker who wanted a ride across the border from Canada into Cleveland across the lake--we just happened to find him drowning in Lake Erie. 

He was screaming, "Aidez-moi, Aidez-moi, je brûle dans ces eaux d'incendie!"
@PeeteySDee: My God! That's terrible! What does that hideous gibberish mean?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Well, Peetey, from French, it means, "Help me, Help me, I'm burning in these fire waters!"
Cuyahoga River: Burning illegal French-Canadian immigrants since 1969.

@PeeteySDee: That is a very touching story, Barb.  Thank you for sharing.

You know, I think we learned enough about you for one day.  I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

@BarbEvilGenius:  You, too, Peetey.

<DAMN YOU HARPIES! WHERE ARE YOU?!>





Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Twisted Fragments from a Sasquatch Hunt Gone Terribly Wrong


      The following were several pages found littered about the mountain side of the Tantalus Range, somewhere Northwest of Williamsport, Pennsylvania, by a team of elite mountain rescuers, one of whom I dated for a time.  She provided me, on condition of anonymity and a "please, Peetey, one last time, for old time's sake," the grainy photocopies of the very pages recovered.

      Here they are:

      Squatch Hunting Day 43: Not much time to write tonight... our food and water are nearly gone... perhaps three days left if we ration carefully... Ephraim Dong Wang and Hop Sing Yoder, our two Chinese-Amish mountain guides, disappeared two days ago, whereabouts unknown... perhaps the Squatches got 'em, like they've gotten so many of us...

      <illegible, part of page ripped, ink smudges>

      ...every night the Squatch pelt our camp with rocks and taunt us with sizzling thick-cut hickory smoked tofu fakon bacon (which they had pilfered from our camp on Day 22, if you recall), yet we cower for fear of our lives...

      <illegible, ink smudge>

      ...this expedition has gone horribly wrong, and I am concerned our team may be rent apart soon... today I will broach the idea of sacrificing one of our members to the Squatch in hopes they leave us our lives... and perhaps the rest of us can find our way back to civilization with this incredible, but so very true, tale.




      Not to be Messed With: The Six Million Dollar Man "Wrestling" with a Real Bigfoot

      Squatch Hunting Day 43 (second dispatch of day):
        As I mentioned in my prior dispatch, we would discuss who among us should be sacrificed to appease the nine or so Bigfoots tormenting our camp and our very souls.

      The vote was unanimous--it would be little 10 year old Timmy, the boy who won the Sasquatch Adventure trip with us through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Timmy took the news well, and being less than 30 days terminal, was excited to end his life by being a meal for the Squatch.  Timmy also mentioned it was a shame he would never get to enjoy the feel of a warm...

      <illegible, several lines crossed out by author>

      ...Timmy is now comfortably silenced sedated on our last two 40oz cans of Schlitz Malt Liquor and some tokes from legalized marijuana our token inner city Washington DC group member (you, know, the affable, but frequently belligerent D'Uniqua Uterius Smith) who mysteriously perished on Day 4 in an ice crevasse, as you remember--remembering correctly it was an unexpected, tragic accident, of course) smuggled into the expedition's food stores, and is tied to a make-shift pole awaiting his fate.

      Hopefully the Squatch will take our offering and leave us in peace. Good night, and we hope to reach you soon in person to relate our adventures proving the existence of these terrible, terrible creatures. I wish we'd have brought weapons, but such evil things are anathema our Progressive ideology.

      Dark Secrets: The Tantalus Range, somewhere Northwest of Willliamsport, PA, where these reports were found.

      Sasquatch Hunting Day 45: Excuse my lack of a dispatch yesterday, but terrible news is affront, I'm afraid. 

      The night of Day 43, when we offered precious Little Timmy as a Squatch sacrifice, went well...

      <illegible, smudged by tears loneliness, confusion caused by a one-night stand>

      ...there were no Squatch attacks that night, and when we went to check on Timmy in the morning, he was gone, the Squatches having ripped his bonds and carried him off into the dark wilderness.

      Not a Gentle Giant: If seen, do not hug this hairy thug.

      Mightily relieved, the few survivors of our expedition broke camp and began to make our way down the icy mountain, hoping to find civilization, more sturdy shelter, or even just a modest mountain-climber garbage midden to scrounge through.

      We did find a surprisingly large garbage dump of mostly empty granola bags, tofu boxes, and empty soy latte plastic bottles, so imagine our joy when we discovered an unopened 80% post-recycled content container with a bag of Trader Joe's brand organic Cinnamon Apple Snack Sticks!

      It's Not Surprising: Mountain climbing Greenies are horrible polluters.
      Near dusk on Day 44, we found a long abandoned, dilapidated shack--perhaps some miner's left from the great  Unobtanium Metal Rush of '79. But with night fall setting, this would be our protection from the elements and wild.

      Near midnight, rocks began to pelt the rusted metal roof and rotted wood slabs making up the shack walls.

      We knew the Squatch had tracked us--clearly our human sacrifice was not good enough than for more than just one night's reprieve.

      Not a Squatch: But often confused for one
      A vicious lightening storm suddenly racked the heavens, ripping the dark night sky asunder. Through the cracks in the shelter I could make out the large forms of Squatch heaving rocks at our position from nearly 150 meters away upslope...

      <illegible, page torn>

      ...to my amazement were three smaller humanoid forms with the Squatch.

      My mind immediately went back to Wang Dong Yoder and Ephraim Hop Sang, our two Chinese-Amish mountain guides and Timmy, the Make-A-Wish winner we sacrificed to the Squatch just nights before.


      Something had changed in their demeanor, however, which now seemed listless--lifeless, until they started to move forward, shambling toward us across the snowy expanse separating our two positions. Each lightning strike brought more resolution to the image playing out before us, it was clear now, what had happened.

      <illegible, ink smudges, page tear>

      From just meters away (and by the way, my beloved journal, isn't it just ridiculous America keeps clinging to the ancient, imperialistic English system of measurement?), the three shambling figures stopped, and the stench of death wafted our way. The Chinese men had been dead the longest, apparently, but like Timmy, mush have been re-animated to undead by a Sasquatch Wicca shaman.


      This newest revelation hit us like a two-ton heavy thing. The Squatch were going to rid the Earth of humans using the dead, using Wiccan magic, in what can only be best described as what Nostradamus foretold in the 21st Century Zombie Apocalypse quatrains from Century XII.
      The only questions I had now were: Would I be able to warn human civilization before it was too late?!?!  And how can we only warn Progressives and not Conservtives?  And how can Democrats blame the 21st Century Zombie Apocalypse on GW Bush, while rebranding the Sasquatch as victims of anti-Squatchist Republican policies, in order to secure their votes in perpetuity?

      <the rest of the page (about half) is blank; there were no other pages found>

      Kate Upton: A near clone of my old flame who provided the reports.

      So there you have it, folks. The current administration has been covering these reports up for months, and no one seems to know why.  Well, I know why, and the answer is plain to see!

      I researched the Nostradamus Quatrains to which the Sasquatch hunter referred. Here are the most relevant quatrains:

      Timing, near the time of the #Ferguson riots (Century XII, Quatrain #55): Sad counsels, disloyal, cunning, Wicked advice, the Law will be betrayed: The people stirred, wild, quarrelsome, In borough as in town, the entire peace hated.

      (Peetey note: Clearly refers to #Ferguson and a #ZombieApocolypse, despite what some of my detractors might claim):


      Who? Quatrain #59 clearly points to results of Progressive policies from 2009-onward: The accord and peace will be broken everywhere: Friendships polluted by discord: Hatred awakened, all faith corrupted, And hope. Marseilles without concord

      (Peetey note: the Concorde was retired in 2003, so Nostradamus was off a little here, but not by much).

      And Then?  We have to briefly jump to Century V Quatrain 41, where Radgast The Brown raises Ronald Reagan as a zombie running mate: 
      Born in the shadows and during a dark day, He will be sovereign in realm and goodness: He will cause his blood to rise again in the ancient urn, Renewing the age of gold for that of brass.

      (Peetey note: the first two lines totally refer to Radagast, who was born in the shadows actually, because all wizards are, and it was at night, so the day was dark.  The second two to Reagan, in his brass urn, raised again to restore a Golden Era.)  

      Then What? Century XII, #64 alludes strongly to the power of a Vice President Zombie Reagan: Through fury he will force the fort to hold, Every heart to tremble. At Longon a terrible arrival: The kick will become a thousand kicks, Gironde, Garonne, never more horrible.

      (Peetey note: This verse requires a little more parsing than the first three. Longon is clearly "London," the capital of the Western World at the time when Nosty was alive. He misread his prediction; Washington DC is clearly what he foretold when he wrote "London." Gironde is a sea-side city in France and Garonne is a river near there.  Because France is currently socialist--something Nosty could not have predicted--he actually meant New York City and the Hudson River.

      WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN, YOU CRY?!
      It means #Progressives are afraid of a new #Conservative revolution lead by #Radagast2016, with a Radagast-Zombie Reagan ticket.

      Folks, the Democrats fear that Vice President Reagan--as a zombie--would take control of the Sasquatch Zombie Army and personally turn it against America's enemies: Russia, China, North Korea, Cuba, Iran, and Chicago--all Progressive beacons of hope.  This is why we need your support. You wouldn't want one of Nostradamus' most important prophecies to fail, would you?

Thursday, November 27, 2014

SECOND UPDATE: Creative Responses to Nigerian 419 Scams

As discussed in this post, I kinda like scam emails, because it really speaks to the evil in men's hearts and of the unbelievable stupidity of the dolts who fall for them--they walk among us, driving cars, or if not cable of driving, touching things in public like (in this order): 

A Sheetz's (convenience/gas/food place) entry door handle,
Several bags of chips in the snack food rack,
That Sheetz's restroom "In" door handle,
A stall knob (to open and close),
His/her sweatpants,
The bag of Capuccino Lays he/she took from the snack food rack,
His/Her mouth,

<30 minutes later>

Toiletpaper dispenser,
His/Her hiney hole,
The toilet flush handle,
The stall knob (to open),
The bag of Capuccino Lays he/she took from the snack food rack,
His/Her mouth,
That Sheetz's restroom door "Out" handle,
Several bags of chips in the snack food rack,
The ATM machine buttons (because of the pretty sounds, funny-feeling braile bumps, and strange mysterious glowing symbols),
A Sheetz's (convenience/gas/food place) exit door handle, out into the public once more, touching things you'll be touching soon.

You're probably wondering why I chose Sheetz for this entirely factual account of over 30 minutes of an idiot's day.

Well, the People of Sheetz who venture into the restroom are like the "Oops I Pooped" People of Walmart of convenience stores.

That, and Sheetz has begun to really piss me off recently. They are reaching the Lena Dunham-Bacon level of Peetey's ire.

...and, to get back on topic, I like creative responses to these scam letters. I typically do not respond in detail, because you just never know how capable this person is on the other end. This person, though, seems pretty low-brow, as his pitch is terrible. But, it also might be part of his genius, too. He doesn't beat around the bush, and gets right to the pitch. Note cantv.net is a common Nigerian 419 scam domain.  It doesn't even make any sense. No exact amount given, and other than the subject line of "unclaimed lost lotto funds," doesn't repeat it, nor attempt to come up with a creative story for these funds, which is part of the fun in reading them.

From: Dr. Ahmed Uddin Jamal <greatexpectations@cantv.net>
Date: November 14, 2014 at 1:35:14 PM EST
To: Brother of Friend of PeeteySDee
Subject: Re: Unclaimed lost lotto Funds

On Nov 14, 2014, at 1:58 PM, greatexpectations@cantv.net wrote:


I would like to inquire about your interest and capability to take custody of a fund deposit as beneficiary for our mutual benefits and investment.

   
The fund is privately owned and running into millions of dollars.
   
Your prompt response to this message is important for further details.
   
Regards,

Dr. Ahmed Uddin Jamal.

Dr. Jamal.
Please send your response to my confidential Email: dr.jamal@ahmedjamal.org

As you can imagine, Peter Dee has some pretty wacky (and by "pretty," I mean both "attractive" and also "very much so") friends. And these wacky friends (and by "friends" I mean "friends") have some wacky (and by "wacky," I mean "very cool") siblings.  

This is what "Jon," I'll call him, wrote in response, and it might have been but a handful of the responses Dr. Jamal received, which, of course, is good for Dr. Jamal, as it lowers his investment costs.  

From: Brother of [entirely platonic] Friend of PeeteySDee
Date: November 20, 2014 at 7:12:33 PM EST
To: "dr.jamal@ahmedjamal.org" <dr.jamal@ahmedjamal.org>
Subject: Re: Unclaimed lost lotto Funds.

Dr Jamal,

     Your email finds me at a very opportune time.  Did Sylvester Breen provide you with my contact info?  I am a not surprised - Syl is a great friend.  As you know, my left testicle was removed by the ISIS colonel Antadji during routine torture.  At that point, beheading would have been a better option!

All jokes aside, my surgery is to take place 5 December in Brussels.  Can you send an initial wire of $25,000 USD to Remnants Medical Group to reserve my new testicle.  That covers the reservation and shipping and handling from wherever they receive the testicle - assuming it's healthy and my body accepts it.  Antadji can take my testicle, but he can't take my FREEDOM!  

Regards,

Bal H. Livingston 

Inspired by "Jon's" moving letter, I felt compelled to write back to a scammer that popped into my inbox.  This scammer works by tugging at the heart strings of elder Christians, no doubt, which is particularly insidious.

I especially like the "undisclosed recipients" in the "To" block, as it really speaks to a careful, "hands-on" personal touch, as does the lack of a subject line.


-----Original Message-----
From: Mrs Nancy Jean <mrsnancyjean1961@gmail.com>
To: undisclosed recipients: ;
Sent: Tue, Nov 25, 2014 12:54 pm

Dear Child of God.

Calvary Greetings in the name of the LORD Almighty and Our LORD JESUS CHRIST the giver of every good thing. Good day and compliments of the seasons, i know this letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine my future and continued existence.

I am Mrs. Nancy Jean, an aging widow of 61 years old suffering from long time illness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of $14,500,000.00 and I needed a very honest and God fearing Christian who can withdraw this money then use the funds for Charity works. 

I WISH TO GIVE THIS FUNDS TO YOU FOR CHARITY WORKS. I found your email address from the internet after honest prayers to the LORD to bring me a helper and i decided to contact you if you may be willing and interested to handle these trust funds in good faith before anything happens to me.

I am desperately in keen need of assistance and I have summoned up courage to contact you for this task, you must not fail me and the millions of the poor people in our today WORLD. This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved,100%  RISK FREE with full legal proof. 

Please if you would be able to use the funds for the Charity works please kindly let me know immediately. Please kindly respond quickly for further details, reply quick or you will give me room to contact someone else to handle this task on my

Warmest Regards

Mrs Nancy Jean,

And Here is my reply (to which I have not gotten a response :insert sad face emoticon:). Maybe I shouldn't have included the P.S.?

Or, maybe Nancy Jean succumbed to her illness and no one will ever be able to use that money for good.  The Nigerian government sure won't, as it ranks among the most corrupt governments in the world, by many different measures.

Or, maybe she found a more appropriate Christian.

-----Original Message-----
From: Peter S. Dee
To: mrsnancyjjean <mrsnancyjjean@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tue, Nov 25, 2014 8:27 pm
Subject: Re:

Dear Mrs Nancy Jean,

I am interested in your proposition, as for a long time I have wanted to help prostitutes.

Let me know how I can help those I love the most through these charitable funds. You've chosen the right Christian to entrust with the money, as I will assure you I will only give it to help prostitutes.

Yours in Christ,
Peter

P.S. I'm not gay, but $20 is $20.


Do you have any creative responses? Send them to me and I'll post.

Happy Thanksgiving!

UPDATE

In what I think can only be described as a Thanksgiving Day miracle, I received this reply from my Christian friend Nancy Jean several hours after I posted this toasty posty. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking at her email address, it changed from Gmail to Yahoo. Once they have a potential sucker, they switch email addresses.

-----Original Message-----
From: Mrs.Nancy Jean <mrsnancyjjean@yahoo.com>
To: undisclosed recipients:
Sent: Thu, Nov 27, 2014 1:07 pm

Subject: Re:From Mrs. Nancy Jean,

Dearest one,

My greeting to you and to the entire member's of your family, Thank you very much for your response, I was so impressed of your plans in the usage of the funds but you will also reach charitable homes in your countrty and then collect 15% out of the total funds for you and your family for your assistance in doing this work of God because every worker deserve its wages.

I would like you to send me your contact details immediately

Your full name
Your residence address
Your direct telephone number

So that i can forward to the bank where the funds was deposited by my late husband and introduce you as my partner and the new beneficiary to the said fund before they could give us more information’s on their transfer procedure, I will want you to urgently handle this from there, so that this money will be transferred to your account before my surgery operation because i don’t know 
what will be the result, But i believe with prayers i must receive my healing miracle as we are serving a faithful God Romans 1:17, I will never give up I have faith in the lord for everything is possible, the Bible says "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be 
uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.» Luke 17:6.

As soon as I receive your reply with your contacts information’s I will give you the contact of the bank so that you will contact them for the transfer of this fund, May the Good Lord add more anointing upon you and give your more wisdom to handle this project to his own Glory.Please Always remember me in your daily prayers so that my surgery operation will be successful

I will be waiting for your response

Your Sister in Christ

Mrs. Nancy Jean

UPDATE 1/16/2015

This is the gift that keeps wanting me to give!  Just to let you know, it seems Mrs. Nancy Jean had a successful surgery and wants to give me MOAR money!!!

-------- Original message --------
From: "Mrs.Nancy Jean" <mrsnancyjjean@yahoo.com
Date:01/07/2015 7:55 AM (GMT-05:00) 
To: undisclosed useful idiots I can scam (oops, did I say that out loud?)
Subject: Re: Please join me and Thank the Lord, 

Dearest in Christ,

How are you today? Please join me and Thank the Lord for what he have done in my life, my surgery operation went well and I'm also happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from India Pastor Kumar Presently I am in India for treatment and the projects is on progress .Meanwhile, i didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how due to one reason or the other best known by you.

Due to your effort and courage you showed during the course of the transaction. I decided to compensate you and your family to show my gratitude to you with the sum of ($250,000.00) Two Hundred and fifty thousand Doller

Now contact my Pastor in Cote d'Ivoire
His Name is Rev. Pastor Davis Morgan
Email: pastor_davismorgan@yahoo.com
Tel: +225-46699028

Ask him to send you the total sum of ($250,000.00) which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempt to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much and the prayer you have made so far for my life. So feel free and get in touched with My Pastor Davis Morgan and instruct him where to send the amount to you. Please i will like you to accept this offer with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart, also comply with Pastor Davis Morgan directives so that he will send the amount to you without any delay.

I am very busy here because of my treatment and God projects which I and the new partner are having at hand, so feel free to get in touch with Pastor Davis; he will send the amount to you without any delay and pray for my quick recovery, Though I’m glad to say that the early signs of recovery have continued

Yours Faithfully Sister in Christ

Mrs Nancy Jean,