Thursday, November 27, 2014

SECOND UPDATE: Creative Responses to Nigerian 419 Scams

As discussed in this post, I kinda like scam emails, because it really speaks to the evil in men's hearts and of the unbelievable stupidity of the dolts who fall for them--they walk among us, driving cars, or if not cable of driving, touching things in public like (in this order): 

A Sheetz's (convenience/gas/food place) entry door handle,
Several bags of chips in the snack food rack,
That Sheetz's restroom "In" door handle,
A stall knob (to open and close),
His/her sweatpants,
The bag of Capuccino Lays he/she took from the snack food rack,
His/Her mouth,

<30 minutes later>

Toiletpaper dispenser,
His/Her hiney hole,
The toilet flush handle,
The stall knob (to open),
The bag of Capuccino Lays he/she took from the snack food rack,
His/Her mouth,
That Sheetz's restroom door "Out" handle,
Several bags of chips in the snack food rack,
The ATM machine buttons (because of the pretty sounds, funny-feeling braile bumps, and strange mysterious glowing symbols),
A Sheetz's (convenience/gas/food place) exit door handle, out into the public once more, touching things you'll be touching soon.

You're probably wondering why I chose Sheetz for this entirely factual account of over 30 minutes of an idiot's day.

Well, the People of Sheetz who venture into the restroom are like the "Oops I Pooped" People of Walmart of convenience stores.

That, and Sheetz has begun to really piss me off recently. They are reaching the Lena Dunham-Bacon level of Peetey's ire.

...and, to get back on topic, I like creative responses to these scam letters. I typically do not respond in detail, because you just never know how capable this person is on the other end. This person, though, seems pretty low-brow, as his pitch is terrible. But, it also might be part of his genius, too. He doesn't beat around the bush, and gets right to the pitch. Note cantv.net is a common Nigerian 419 scam domain.  It doesn't even make any sense. No exact amount given, and other than the subject line of "unclaimed lost lotto funds," doesn't repeat it, nor attempt to come up with a creative story for these funds, which is part of the fun in reading them.

From: Dr. Ahmed Uddin Jamal <greatexpectations@cantv.net>
Date: November 14, 2014 at 1:35:14 PM EST
To: Brother of Friend of PeeteySDee
Subject: Re: Unclaimed lost lotto Funds

On Nov 14, 2014, at 1:58 PM, greatexpectations@cantv.net wrote:


I would like to inquire about your interest and capability to take custody of a fund deposit as beneficiary for our mutual benefits and investment.

   
The fund is privately owned and running into millions of dollars.
   
Your prompt response to this message is important for further details.
   
Regards,

Dr. Ahmed Uddin Jamal.

Dr. Jamal.
Please send your response to my confidential Email: dr.jamal@ahmedjamal.org

As you can imagine, Peter Dee has some pretty wacky (and by "pretty," I mean both "attractive" and also "very much so") friends. And these wacky friends (and by "friends" I mean "friends") have some wacky (and by "wacky," I mean "very cool") siblings.  

This is what "Jon," I'll call him, wrote in response, and it might have been but a handful of the responses Dr. Jamal received, which, of course, is good for Dr. Jamal, as it lowers his investment costs.  

From: Brother of [entirely platonic] Friend of PeeteySDee
Date: November 20, 2014 at 7:12:33 PM EST
To: "dr.jamal@ahmedjamal.org" <dr.jamal@ahmedjamal.org>
Subject: Re: Unclaimed lost lotto Funds.

Dr Jamal,

     Your email finds me at a very opportune time.  Did Sylvester Breen provide you with my contact info?  I am a not surprised - Syl is a great friend.  As you know, my left testicle was removed by the ISIS colonel Antadji during routine torture.  At that point, beheading would have been a better option!

All jokes aside, my surgery is to take place 5 December in Brussels.  Can you send an initial wire of $25,000 USD to Remnants Medical Group to reserve my new testicle.  That covers the reservation and shipping and handling from wherever they receive the testicle - assuming it's healthy and my body accepts it.  Antadji can take my testicle, but he can't take my FREEDOM!  

Regards,

Bal H. Livingston 

Inspired by "Jon's" moving letter, I felt compelled to write back to a scammer that popped into my inbox.  This scammer works by tugging at the heart strings of elder Christians, no doubt, which is particularly insidious.

I especially like the "undisclosed recipients" in the "To" block, as it really speaks to a careful, "hands-on" personal touch, as does the lack of a subject line.


-----Original Message-----
From: Mrs Nancy Jean <mrsnancyjean1961@gmail.com>
To: undisclosed recipients: ;
Sent: Tue, Nov 25, 2014 12:54 pm

Dear Child of God.

Calvary Greetings in the name of the LORD Almighty and Our LORD JESUS CHRIST the giver of every good thing. Good day and compliments of the seasons, i know this letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine my future and continued existence.

I am Mrs. Nancy Jean, an aging widow of 61 years old suffering from long time illness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of $14,500,000.00 and I needed a very honest and God fearing Christian who can withdraw this money then use the funds for Charity works. 

I WISH TO GIVE THIS FUNDS TO YOU FOR CHARITY WORKS. I found your email address from the internet after honest prayers to the LORD to bring me a helper and i decided to contact you if you may be willing and interested to handle these trust funds in good faith before anything happens to me.

I am desperately in keen need of assistance and I have summoned up courage to contact you for this task, you must not fail me and the millions of the poor people in our today WORLD. This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved,100%  RISK FREE with full legal proof. 

Please if you would be able to use the funds for the Charity works please kindly let me know immediately. Please kindly respond quickly for further details, reply quick or you will give me room to contact someone else to handle this task on my

Warmest Regards

Mrs Nancy Jean,

And Here is my reply (to which I have not gotten a response :insert sad face emoticon:). Maybe I shouldn't have included the P.S.?

Or, maybe Nancy Jean succumbed to her illness and no one will ever be able to use that money for good.  The Nigerian government sure won't, as it ranks among the most corrupt governments in the world, by many different measures.

Or, maybe she found a more appropriate Christian.

-----Original Message-----
From: Peter S. Dee
To: mrsnancyjjean <mrsnancyjjean@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tue, Nov 25, 2014 8:27 pm
Subject: Re:

Dear Mrs Nancy Jean,

I am interested in your proposition, as for a long time I have wanted to help prostitutes.

Let me know how I can help those I love the most through these charitable funds. You've chosen the right Christian to entrust with the money, as I will assure you I will only give it to help prostitutes.

Yours in Christ,
Peter

P.S. I'm not gay, but $20 is $20.


Do you have any creative responses? Send them to me and I'll post.

Happy Thanksgiving!

UPDATE

In what I think can only be described as a Thanksgiving Day miracle, I received this reply from my Christian friend Nancy Jean several hours after I posted this toasty posty. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking at her email address, it changed from Gmail to Yahoo. Once they have a potential sucker, they switch email addresses.

-----Original Message-----
From: Mrs.Nancy Jean <mrsnancyjjean@yahoo.com>
To: undisclosed recipients:
Sent: Thu, Nov 27, 2014 1:07 pm

Subject: Re:From Mrs. Nancy Jean,

Dearest one,

My greeting to you and to the entire member's of your family, Thank you very much for your response, I was so impressed of your plans in the usage of the funds but you will also reach charitable homes in your countrty and then collect 15% out of the total funds for you and your family for your assistance in doing this work of God because every worker deserve its wages.

I would like you to send me your contact details immediately

Your full name
Your residence address
Your direct telephone number

So that i can forward to the bank where the funds was deposited by my late husband and introduce you as my partner and the new beneficiary to the said fund before they could give us more information’s on their transfer procedure, I will want you to urgently handle this from there, so that this money will be transferred to your account before my surgery operation because i don’t know 
what will be the result, But i believe with prayers i must receive my healing miracle as we are serving a faithful God Romans 1:17, I will never give up I have faith in the lord for everything is possible, the Bible says "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be 
uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.» Luke 17:6.

As soon as I receive your reply with your contacts information’s I will give you the contact of the bank so that you will contact them for the transfer of this fund, May the Good Lord add more anointing upon you and give your more wisdom to handle this project to his own Glory.Please Always remember me in your daily prayers so that my surgery operation will be successful

I will be waiting for your response

Your Sister in Christ

Mrs. Nancy Jean

UPDATE 1/16/2015

This is the gift that keeps wanting me to give!  Just to let you know, it seems Mrs. Nancy Jean had a successful surgery and wants to give me MOAR money!!!

-------- Original message --------
From: "Mrs.Nancy Jean" <mrsnancyjjean@yahoo.com
Date:01/07/2015 7:55 AM (GMT-05:00) 
To: undisclosed useful idiots I can scam (oops, did I say that out loud?)
Subject: Re: Please join me and Thank the Lord, 

Dearest in Christ,

How are you today? Please join me and Thank the Lord for what he have done in my life, my surgery operation went well and I'm also happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from India Pastor Kumar Presently I am in India for treatment and the projects is on progress .Meanwhile, i didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how due to one reason or the other best known by you.

Due to your effort and courage you showed during the course of the transaction. I decided to compensate you and your family to show my gratitude to you with the sum of ($250,000.00) Two Hundred and fifty thousand Doller

Now contact my Pastor in Cote d'Ivoire
His Name is Rev. Pastor Davis Morgan
Email: pastor_davismorgan@yahoo.com
Tel: +225-46699028

Ask him to send you the total sum of ($250,000.00) which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempt to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much and the prayer you have made so far for my life. So feel free and get in touched with My Pastor Davis Morgan and instruct him where to send the amount to you. Please i will like you to accept this offer with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart, also comply with Pastor Davis Morgan directives so that he will send the amount to you without any delay.

I am very busy here because of my treatment and God projects which I and the new partner are having at hand, so feel free to get in touch with Pastor Davis; he will send the amount to you without any delay and pray for my quick recovery, Though I’m glad to say that the early signs of recovery have continued

Yours Faithfully Sister in Christ

Mrs Nancy Jean,








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