Sunday, December 21, 2014

Profiles In Tweepage #2: @BarbEvilGenius!

Peetey Interviews Barb the Evil Genius!

Many years ago there was a CBS TV show called "Everybody Has a Story."  It was a good show because it was authentic. The premise was that Steve Hartman would throw a dart at the map, go to the nearest town, and then choose a person at random from the phone book and interview them.

Profiles in Tweepage is exactly like that, except for the dart throwing... Or the white pages... Or the randomness.

I challenge Tweeps I like to let me interview them.  So far the only Tweep to step up to the @PeeteySDee inquisition challenge was "Barb The Evil Genius" from Ohio.  When not making babies, crying over the Cleveland Browns (The Mistake by the Lake), and plotting revenge upon Progressives, Barb spends hours digging herself out of Twitter Gulag for the inflammatory hate she spews against Twitter trolls.

Barb simply claims she is "Trying to balance being an evil genius with being a wife and mother," but we know that is not true.  BEHOLD! What follows is the 100% awful near-truth (caveat: some "creative word play" may have been employed)...

Barb:  Evil, and a genius. Run, you fools!
@PeeteySDee: So, Evil One, how did you come by your Twitter handle?

@BarbEvilGenius: About ten years ago I took an online quiz, and here is the result: 

"Barb, You are an SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an "Evil Genius." 
You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.

Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.

You are not to be messed with. You may explode."

@PeeteySDee: Wow. Kinda like Zoltar from the movie Big, huh?
Zoltar; He'll make you his huckleberry.

@BarbEvilGenius: No, not at all, but scarily enough, a lot of this actually fits me, and so when I created my blog (, I decided to call myself Barb the Evil Genius. I've used it ever since when I've branched out to places like Twitter.

@PeeteySDee:  Scary indeed!  Well, Barb, I looked into this quiz which deemed you "Evil" and I'm sorry to report that it no longer exists. 

Fortunately, through the magic of Al Gore's Amazing Internet, I took the test and it said this about me:

Peetey, you are a WEDB--Wacky Emotional Destructive Bad-Ass. This makes you a "Menace to Society."

You telepathically gang #FartRape both women and men. You pick your friends' noses and then wipe your friends under the table with your addictive personality. 

Properly guided, you can be enormously productive--otherwise you run amok, stir up trouble, and generally have a hell of a good time.

Unpropery guided--to quote Kim Jong Un--you can be enormousry productive--you'll run amok, stir up trouble, and generarly have a hell of a good time.

To your friends, you are a source of relentless entertainment. You often get into trouble, but you almost always find a way out due to your incredible Jedi-like charisma.  You are strangely popular and feed off others' energy, turning them into withered, dry husks.  

You live hard, always seizing the cliche, and although your boring, stupid loser friends would like to see you settle down, you generally have better regrets and better orgasms than they do.  

Your tenet is, that, at the end of the day, one regrets only what one did which caused permanent brain damage to one.  You are right.  You are always right, and sexy. You are always sexy.

You could benefit from nothing, as you are perfect."

But enough of me.  

So, why did you start Tweeting in the first place?

@BarbEvilGenius: Reading about others' Twitter experiences seemed like a lot of fun.

@PeeteySDee: Wow. Do you regret being so wrong?

@BarbEvilGenius: Yes, I do regret Twitter isn't as fun as I hoped it would be.  But now I just do it to satisfy my Twitter addiction, and almost exclusively following your Tweets every day makes the regret less painful.

@PeeteySDee:  I think that's good advice.  What significance does your twitter avi hold?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Mr. BTEG is an AFOL (adult fan of LEGO), and his avi many places is a representation of him as a LEGO figure.

@PeeteySDee: I don't know what any of that acronym crap means, but what drew me to you was the sensuality in your AVI.  It's hot for a Lego chick. I mean, I'd snap that Lego piece onto another Lego piece and take them for a ride, IYKWIM and IKTYD.

You're a Twitter tease, Barb, and you know it.

Ever tease, tase, or kill anyone while in Twitter Gulag?

@BarbEvilGenius: No, I have not had that distinction.  Why yes, now that you mention it, I have killed several people in the Twitter Gulag.

@PeeteySDee: Shhh!  Don't ruin your rep. I'll just edit that part out. Well played. I'm sure it's because you're an Evil Genius that you have managed to elude the authorities.

How do you handle Twitter Trolls?

@BarbEvilGenius: Oddly enough, dealing with strict facts and figures seems to make some of them run away. Others, that I've seen on Twitter for months behaving like idiots with other Tweeps, I just treat like idiots. Comments about living in mom's basement always go over well.

The others, well, we'll not talk about the others.

@PeeteySDee:  Do you know how I handle Twitter Trolls?

@BarbEvilGenius: Yes, I've seen you in action. It's not for the faint of heart.  But it's not my style. To each genius his or her own.

@PeeteySDee:  Other than me, who are your favorite Tweeps?

@BarbEvilGenius: Coming in waaaaaay behind you, all tied for second, are @pupbroofdog, @GingyNorth, @moderncomments, @EmpireOfJeff, @moxiemom, and @Loki_Lego

@PeeteySDee:  Other than me, what's the funniest thing you've ever seen on Twitter?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I wish I could remember. Probably something from Iowahawk.

@PeeteySDee: Ugh. David Burge. What a loser. I guess he lucks out once in a while.
Did you see where he slandered an American hero?
I love IowaHawk, too; he's literally the only funny person in Iowa other than @SiftyBoones and it was an honest mistake.  I'm sure he didn't ID everyone in the photo.  That's the trap with using vulgarity on a broad brush.

GEN Raymond Odierno is a higher standard we need to emulate; He appeared on The Colbert Show to promote the Army.

Speaking of higher standards, what's one thing people might be surprised to know about you?

@BarbEvilGenius:  The kind of music I listen to. I like pop and 80's rock, but I also like ska, alternative, electric, hard rock, metal, and even a bit of what my daughter calls screamo

Of course, I really enjoy Peetey S. Dee and the Inhuman $hields, and can't wait for your next song to come out!

@PeeteySDee: I'm blushing, stop. 

OK, go on if you must.

OK... No? 

You're done gushing?

OK, cool. Cool.

I'll be sure to tell the Inhuman $hields that Barb the Evil Genius is a fan.  We are working on a new song, laying the drum tracks now, specifically to help raise public awareness of the pain PTSD causes service members who have it, which is the reason we came together as a band.  It takes a long time for us to get together to jam because we have professional lives outside of music, thank God.

But screamo, huh?  You know one thing that could improve screamo?  It would be less screaming--or actually, no screaming at all.  

By the way, this screamo Katy Perry cover is very good, except I can't stop laughing at the excessive and inappropriate screaming, although there is some appropriate screaming.  For what it's worth, I think screamo would be excellent if it did nothing but parody.

So, Barb, you Evil thing you, if you could witness any event past, present, or future, what would it be?

@BarbEvilGenius:  As a Christian, the resurrection of Christ. From a secular point of view, no idea. Many of the more interesting events in light of history that I can think of were tragedies.

@PeeteySDee:  I tell you what, Barb, of all things I'd like to see--speaking as one who is an open minded atheist/agnostic--the Resurrection of Christ is probably #1 for me as well. 

Christianity hangs on that one event!  I want him to be real.

Easter is clearly the most important Christian holiday, so of course, let's celebrate the King of Kings' Resurrection by hiding candy in plastic eggs around the yard for kids to find.

What we should be doing instead, is trying to raise our dead houseplants and house pets, which died over the winter from benevolent neglect.

Imagine if we could witness Mohammed isolated 270m in a cave up in the stony mountains near Mecca, receiving his fevered visions from Gabriel the arch-angel?

What would it look like?
Mohammed's crappy little cave in Hira

Mohammed, spelunking in Hira.

@BarbEvilGenius: I have no idea, Peetey, but I suppose a black and white figure of caver.

@PeeteySDee:  Barb, that was actually a rhetorical question. This isn't NPR, where all questions need considered.

But what a crap cave.  Why the hell did he go in there for, anyway?  What was he thinking?

"Hey, here's a crappy little cave, perfect for receiving visions from an Archangel!"

I think instead, he went in there to take a dump, slipped on it, and hit his head.  But honestly, how would I know, since I wasn't there--but I wouldn't be surprised if you could buy faux-Mohammed coprolites in Mecca.

And what do you think the Yazidi's think about as Islamic radicals slaughter them?  Those Kurds were stuck on Mount Sinjar for five months.

Isn't it fantastic America has progressed past the point of defending obviously innocent humans?

Preventable genocide aside, if you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?

@BarbEvilGenius: That's tricky. A cat probably, as long as I was treated as well as my family treats our cats.

@PeeteySDee:  Then you'd love living at the Dee house!  It sucks for us humans, but the cats have it real good. We're even thinking about getting a Maine Coon soon, named "Joon, the Dee's Maine Coon."

All of our animals get to lick nutty butterish substances from various places on our skin.  It's a win-win-win, although perhaps not so much for the peanut butter.  Our pets also enjoy the chance to experience music and poetry we play and recite during the delightful event.
We're still looking at improving that rhyme, but speaking of tunes, what songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?

@BarbEvilGenius: Here are six I would like on my life's mixtape.
  1. I Know That My Redeemer Lives (Peetey note: excellent piano forte and vocals, needs some screamo.)
  2. Lord, Dismiss Us with Thy Blessing (Peetey note: Sigh. So beautiful. Progressives take note, the Christian hate is strong in this song.)
  3. The Coloring Song by Petra (Peetey note: This is bad-ass little tune, sung by a hobbit, I think.  I could convert  to Christianity based on this song, because it sounds so much like the violent songs of Ireland's independence, like North Sea Gas' Hawks and Eagles, a song I definitely want for my own life story soundtrack. It should be the #TeaParty theme; I mean it's even better than this Tea Party Anthem from @PeeteySDee and the Inhuman$hields)
  4. Sand Dollar by Stavesacre. (Peetey note: A little metally, not bad at all.)
  5. Blues Clues (Peetey note: you're sick Barb)
  6. Soul, Adorn Thyself with Gladness (TRIGGER WARNING for sexy singing Mennonites) 
@PeeteySDee:  You know, you might think that I, as a gifted musician and polymath genius, would have a complex sound track to my life, as do you. But no, that's not the case at all!  There is only one song Peetey Dee needs for his life's soundtrack, and that is "Captain Feathersword," by the Wiggles.

But, seriously, Peetey also really likes Mandinka by Sinead O'Connor, this version live on the David Letterman show.  She looks so hot and tiny and Irish and angry.

And, no serious PeeteySDee Lifetime Channel movie soundtrack would be incomplete without Gary Numan's "Cars," here performed live with Nine Inch Nails in London.

@PeeteySDee: What do you like on your pizza?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Mozzarella and occasionally pepperoni 

@PeeteySDee:  Whoa. Slow down, Barb. You just blew my mind with your craziness.  

Pepperoni on pizza, with CHEESE?!  

By the way, I hear evil geniuses have weird taste in food. Do you think your lack of taste in pizza might actually be a contrarian taste in food, indicating a good taste in food?

@BarbEvilGenius: Yes. Yes, I do, thanks Peetey, for noticing! I think you're SO right!

<Sending penis-shriveling mindwaves at Peetey, who is making me very, very angry right now!>  

<Now sending mindwave commands to my harpy army, which includes The Handsome Sally Kohn(TM) and Sinead O'Connor.


@PeeteySDee:  I feel a little strange all of a sudden, Barb, so let's move on to the next question... who would you most like to meet and share a fine dinner and evening with, other than me, of course?

@BarbEvilGenius:  C.S. Lewis. He's extremely intelligent, a great storyteller. 

@PeeteySDee: A better story teller than Barack Obama, our first gay President?

@BarbEvilGenius: Uh, no. No one is that good.

@PeeteySDee:  When you say "C.S. Lewis," do you mean the Irish dude who died the same day as John F. Kennedy and who was best friends with JRR Tolkein?

@BarbEvilGenius: <looks at Peetey, askance, but somewhat suggestively, at his amazing Wiki knowledge>

@PeeteySDee:  You may not know this about Clive Staples Lewis, but he wrote "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe", which was about Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, and Michelle Obama.

Speaking of bucket lists, what's at the top of yours?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Traveling to some of the places where Mr. BTEG's and my ancestors came from, and visiting some of the places outside the U.S. where Mr. BTEG and I have distant relatives.

@PeeteySDee: Which is?

@BarbEvilGenius: The Flats.

@PeeteySDee: Oh, the Flats in Cleveland, the first place in America where Cuba's Castro brothers have always wanted to visit, outside of the UN, should relations between US and Cuba ever become normalized--as if that's ever likely.

But, we know that's never going to happen while the Castro brothers are alive.  

And speaking of crazy Progressive fantasies, if you could live in any TV show or movie, which would it be and why?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I guess the Narnia movies. I always wanted to live in Narnia when I was a kid.

@PeeteySDee:  Well, that's stupid. I wont even bother to elaborate.

But, if you could call yourself five years ago, what would you say?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Things will get better, and don't trust the people you're currently renting from.

@PeeteySDee:  Well, that's stupid and I wont even bother to give you a chance to elaborate.

<closes microphone: Barb, should you ever want to poison your landords, I know some Mensans who would do it for free.>

So, I'll just move on.

What is your first memory?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I think it's going to my school and testing my kindergarten readiness. I also remember some circus trips. Don't know if they were before kindergarten.

@PeeteySDee: Oh. Well, most of my first memories involved physical pain.  Since your's don't, I feel sorry for you.

That said, we're both luckier than most rich Progressive kids, though, because they are forced to take voice lessons.

These one percenters are obviously Progressives, but how would you describe your own political philosophy?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Smallest government possible. 

Feds should get out of a lot of what they are doing now. 

Individual lives can't and shouldn't be controlled, but we do need functional, intact two-parent families for the future. 

I don't think a baby bust like Japan and Russia are facing is healthy for a country.

@PeeteySDee:  Whoa! 



I just want the NSA to know I'm not at all condoning what this radical Evil Barb is spewing. I have no control over her mouth or mind.

Your general insanity aside, what is your ideal POTUS ticket for 2016 and why?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Cruz/Gowdy, at the moment. Because both of them are articulate, conservative, and aren't afraid to piss people off.

@PeeteySDee:  Interesting. Never heard of them. That Jeb Bush, though!  I think he could lose a lot more honorably to a Clinton, Warren, or Webb ticket than Romney, McCain, or Dole ever dreamed of.

Have you considered Radagast the Brown?  I was so convinced he is the real deal I became his campaign manager for 2016.  We've got a large following and great name recognition.

Radagast has more combat experience than Ghengis John Kerry, and every single other Democrat candidate for that matter, unless Warren claims she killed Custer at Little Bighorn.
@PeeteySDee: And speaking of Little Bighorn, what is your favorite firearm?

@BarbEvilGenius:  I don't have as much firearms experience as I'd like. It's a combination of lack of money, lack of a nearby range, and the fact that I'm bipolar. Be assured that I am only a danger to myself with a firearm. I did have a Bersa .380 that fit well in my hand, but it jammed quite a bit.

@PeeteySDee: And finally, everyone has an interesting story. What is yours?

@BarbEvilGenius: Many of my interesting stories take place when I was visiting Germany and Austria in college. The future Mr. BTEG was also on the trip. We were in Berlin in December of '89, so one night Mr. BTEG and I went over to the Berlin wall and took some chips out of it. It was dark where we were, and there was no one else around. We saw some memorials to those who had lost their lives there, and basically it was just Mr. BTEG, myself, and the Berlin Wall.
Barb, being evil at The Berlin Wall, December 1989.
Also in Berlin, I had some fun linguistic experiences as a student of both Spanish and German. Mr. BTEG and I visited a Spanish restaurant one evening, and the menu was printed in Spanish and German. I ordered my food in German, and the next thing I knew, the waiter and I were talking this weird mix of both languages. Whereas poor Mr. BTEG was completely bewildered, since he spoke no Spanish and was a second semester German student. However, I think the waiter enjoyed speaking Spanish. There were many Spaniards there because they could get work.

Also, Peetey, one time, at band camp, we picked up an illegal migrant worker who wanted a ride across the border from Canada into Cleveland across the lake--we just happened to find him drowning in Lake Erie. 

He was screaming, "Aidez-moi, Aidez-moi, je brûle dans ces eaux d'incendie!"
@PeeteySDee: My God! That's terrible! What does that hideous gibberish mean?

@BarbEvilGenius:  Well, Peetey, from French, it means, "Help me, Help me, I'm burning in these fire waters!"
Cuyahoga River: Burning illegal French-Canadian immigrants since 1969.

@PeeteySDee: That is a very touching story, Barb.  Thank you for sharing.

You know, I think we learned enough about you for one day.  I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

@BarbEvilGenius:  You, too, Peetey.


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